The Man in the Mirror

Some Thoughts on Self-Love … 

“If you want to make the world a better place, take a look at yourself and make a change.”  ~ Michael Jackson…

You’ve probably all heard a saying that goes something like, “You’ll never really be able to love someone unless you’ve learned to love yourself first.” Well, OK… that sounds great, but that doesn’t answer the question of exactly how one goes about doing that. Nice sentiment, but where’s the instruction manual?

It reminds me of a time in the early 90s when I was reading a book called Conscious Loving. Overall it was a good book and I liked it, but I remember a part where the authors were talking about core beliefs and said, “If you’re constantly experiencing this…  … or continually repeating that, you might want to examine your belief systems and change them.”

Well great, change my belief systems… no problem! Thanks a lot! You recommend a good magician? Or can you teach me some ritual where I light 12 candles, invoke a being from another dimension, and say, “Abracadabra” or “1-2-3 go!” Maybe a heartfelt,” Dear Santa Claus, would you bring me some new belief systems for Christmas?” And then again, there’s always Jesus…

Once — about 25 years ago — I found something that helped quite a bit. Each morning I would spend 20 minutes writing a loving letter from my adult self to my inner child. Then, I would place the pen in my left, non-dominant hand and let the inner child-self respond/reply as he saw fit. I also did something similar in the evening, speaking out loud from my loving adult self to the child inside, while simultaneously rubbing my belly. I won’t go into all the details, but I did it for a year, and it made a big difference. I developed a new default voice, one that was loving instead of critical. and an inner part of me felt much safer and happier in life.

I’ve recently been practicing something similar but something I find way more effective. I bought a mirror about 16 inches square, and each day I sit in front of that mirror — my nose seven or eight inches away from the glass — and “meditate’ for 15 to 30 minutes while gazing into the eyes and face in front of me. I also speak to “him,” — sharing thoughts, feelings, and insights as they come up. It’s been shockingly meaningful… I’d like to share a few examples.

One of the first times I did it, a few minutes in I heard the thought, “I wonder how much time is left?” It struck me, and I began to speak out loud. “I just noticed I was thinking about how much time is left. That makes me sad, sad that there’s a piece of me that’s impatient, that wants to get away from you, that wants to avoid connecting and spending time together like this. if I were dating someone and found myself gazing into her eyes like this, I couldn’t get enough… I’d want more and more and more. But here I am, thinking of escape and hoping it’s almost over.”

“I need to let you know that I’m going to keep doing this until it’s not only comfortable, but more exciting and important and then doing it with anyone else in the world. I’m committing to that, and I’m committing to you.”

 

Another time, I gazed into the left eye, and it appeared bright, curious, intelligent. When I looked at the right eye, it was slightly red, soft and wet. My mind said, “he looks sad.”

— Oh, He looks sad! Not me of course… he looks sad. I recognized something — in him — that I neither saw (or felt) in myself. That began another conversation… “It really hurts doesn’t it. and it’s been hurting for a long, long time.” And we talked about what “it” was, when it started, and how painful certain periods of our lives were….

One more… I was speaking out loud — to him — about some of the things I felt or wanted. I started repeating, “I want to feel loved… I so want to feel loved.” I felt that so deeply, and it felt so good to share it with this man in front of me. And then something changed. As I was speaking those words, my perception reversed, and I was experiencing this man speaking to me… asking something from me. This started a process that continues today, where, as I say the words I’ve always wanted to say, at the same time I hear the words I’ve always wanted to hear spoken to me. There is now a “we,” a comfort, partnership, and trust that continues to build, a depth of trust that hasn’t been there before.

I sense that I — we — will be OK… that I/we have someone we can depend on, a sense that no matter what happens — whether the world is being kind or going to hell in a handbasket — it’s all OK… That no matter how difficult today may be, we will be here tomorrow sharing and speaking with each other, and ultimately, as long as “we” are good together, everything else will take care of itself.

So, how do you learn to love yourself? I can’t answer that question for anyone else, but I seem to have stumbled upon a way that’s working well for me. I hope this is helpful for whoever is reading this… and I hope that you find a way that works for you too.

Blessings and all the best…

Sparrow Hart… April 2022